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The many sleep-deprived, sweaty and emotionless hookups I’ve had led me to one solid conclusion: Casual sex is not my thing. 

I came out of high school riding the high of finally realizing my sexuality. My ego was inflated, I had a player reputation and I was the brand new star of the college rugby team. Women would fangirl at games, flirt incessantly at parties and my friends would pair me off like I was a contestant on “The Bachelor.” It’s a trope seen in movies. The athlete always goes home with the hot girls and the playboy persona is normalized. Plus, my friends were clear: Turning down casual sex with willing women would be weird, and I agreed. 

For the first few years, I accepted my stereotypical role of the athletic f**kboy lesbian. I’d go home with random girls and add to my sexual body count. It was awful. By no means am I slut-shaming anyone who enjoys casual sex and hookups, but it is certainly not my preference. 

The late-night panic of how to kick someone out, or when is an appropriate time to leave after sex, is too awkward to be enjoyable. The rules of courtesy are too blurred. Do you send a text the next day — if you even saved their phone number — or do you ignore all attempts at communication and risk looking like a jerk? 

Worse than the unspoken terms of engagement are the awkward pillow talks that accompany hookups. Stumbling through the basic questions of “What’s your major?,” “Where are you from?,” “So do you like NAU?” to fill the gaping chasm of not knowing each other is so inane to me when the truth is, neither of you really care. You end up with mental files of random facts about people that will serve absolutely no use after the one night of pleasure.

Along with the minor annoyances of hookups, emotional distance is a huge factor that turns me off from casual sex. I thrive on the emotional intimacy and that comes from having sex with someone I love. 

When I’m done sleeping with someone, I want to cuddle and be romantic. Sadly, soft kisses and whispered “I love yous” make you look unhinged when the person you’re sleeping with isn’t your long-term partner. Seriously, don’t do that with the girl you met at a party three hours ago. 

A real emotional connection is missing when the person you’re sleeping with has said less words to you than the minimum word count of a discussion board post, and has no intention of staying the night. But a soul-deep connection with someone is what is so sexy to me. Show me your feelings, not just your body.

So sure, I’m DTF if you’re down to fall in love.